Relationships and Personal Maintenance

May 12, 2011 8:12 AM

American ApparelNote from the editor: Does having a dick make you a dick? I think, sometimes, it does. I’m not saying that to diss men – we women have our own less-than-perfect ways. I’m just saying that in order to understand how men think, it helps to have an honest… penile perspective. And so, I introduce our relationships writer, Malcolm Gilderdale, whose been a lover, a player, a winner and a loser in love (and is currently a pretty great husband to a really cool woman) and is willing to put his pen and his penis to work to answer our questions. – Jamey

If you’re in a relationship with a guy, how hard do you have to work on your appearance to keep him interested, turned on and happy?

Shaving – Pick Your Spots
A little leg hair isn’t the end of the world. Keep things under control, but any dude worth your time won’t care if you don’t shave your legs for a week here and there. Your armpits, however, are another matter. Those should be as hairless as possible unless you’re French, in which case he knew what he was getting into. As for your private parts, tidy is key. No matter how much or how little hair you’ve got, make sure it’s all where it’s supposed to be.

The Underwear Myth
I can’t guarantee that I’m a reliable stand-in for all guys everywhere on this one, but I know for sure that I feel passionate about it: PLAIN COTTON UNDERWEAR IS GODDAMN SEXY. I’m aware of the advances in weaponized lingerie technology over the last few decades, and I have no problem with something racy, lacy and revealing, but I’m in it for what’s underneath. You don’t have to gild that lily.

That being said, if you’re so busy and working so hard you don’t have time to go lingerie shopping, you should at least have enough coin to invest in new briefs on the regular. No underwear should ever be so bent out of shape it earns the name “period panties”.

Mani-Pedi-What-y?
I admit it: I’m not the most fastidious guy in the world. When you point out your shiny new nails, I’ll notice them for the first time, think, “oh, those look nice,” fumble to imply that I already noticed them, and then go back to staring at your breasts… er – eyes! Not that men don’t appreciate buffed, beautiful nails – there are just so many other things to appreciate first. If you’re hitting the salon for your man, a Brazilian wax trumps a French manicure any day.

Look Unto Him As You Would Have Him Look Unto You
Here’s the deal – when a guy is in a long-term relationship with someone he loves, she’s hot in his eyes. But sometimes love ain’t enough. Dirty sweats, hairy (non-French) armpits and a generally careless appearance are evidence that you don’t care how we see you anymore.

And that’s a signal for a guy to do a few things:

  1. Let himself go entirely. Trust me, most of us men are right on the verge of giving up and growing a huge beer gut anyway. Don’t give us permission.
  2. Look elsewhere for sexual attraction. If you’re no longer trying to attract us, we’ll start looking at girls who are making an effort.
  3. Stop working for your love. Lazy, lazy men will work for your love because you’re hot, sexy, and fun. We’ll try to be those things for you, too. But trying is key.

I know you’re busy. Life is crazy that way. So don’t fuss over little details; just remember to care. That doesn’t mean waxing every morning and hitting the salon every afternoon – it means staying sexy. The good news is that’s not hard at all. Women are sexy without trying very hard. And in return, we will remain committed, excited, and surprised that you let us have sex with you.

 

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